the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
