How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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