Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
