My liver just broke up with me...
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
