I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
