I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
COCAINE IS GR8
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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