I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
