I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Blow job season was short but glorious.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
