The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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