i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
