so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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