Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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