I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
