i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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