I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Green mimosas i think yes
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
