so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
