My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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