OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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