Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We are two peas in an std pod
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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