Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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