I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
