and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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