I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
