I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
