I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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