OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
