Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
