ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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