Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
