it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
