You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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