he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
