Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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