Im at strip club and am horny
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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