I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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