you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
