1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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