Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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