so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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