When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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