Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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