toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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