Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
