dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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