They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
