Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
