mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize