Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ketchup is God's man juice
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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