In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
