My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
