I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
