My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
