Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
