How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
