Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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