Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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