Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I see more hoeing in ur future
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
