can we get nightvision for the apartment?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
